


to santa claus and little sisters

by remus (RHODONlTE)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, References to Depression, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:09:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28882962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RHODONlTE/pseuds/remus
Summary: that one really depressing poem (thats in perks of being a wallflower)
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Kudos: 4





	to santa claus and little sisters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hongjoongies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongjoongies/gifts).
  * Inspired by [you get me so high (all the time, i wanna be)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26780263) by [hongjoongies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongjoongies/pseuds/hongjoongies). 



> weoooooo hello, this is a short drabble based on the poem "to santa claus and little sisters" and the story "lanas atlantic" by hongjoongies, because the san of that story just fit that poem so fucking well. the first paragraph in bold is the beginning of lanas atlantic, so thats not my writing.  
> tw for suicide and drugs and abuse ! ! please let me know what you think

**choi san was born on july 10th, 1999 at 3:40 am. he was born a predominantly healthy baby boy: ten fingers, ten toes, and a functioning brain.**  
 **At the age of five, he started kindergarten and flourished in the energy of the young children. San had been an exceptional student even at his young age, always handing in his color-by-numbers in on time and even writing little notes to the teachers about how purple was his “most favoritest color so he used it a lot.”**  
 **by the time san was eight, he was a favorite among both teachers and students. always sweet, kind, and respectful; he knew how to protect himself from years of martial arts training, but was also taught that violence was never the answer, so he simply didn’t use it.**  
 **at ten years old, choi san was full of life and couldn’t wait for what it would bring him.**  
—

****

san had always loved reading stories and thinking about colourful imagery, so one day he tried himself at writing a poem.  
He scrambled through his pen pal letter paper until he found a pretty butter-coloured paper with with mint green lines and as he set his favourite pen down to start writing, he held his breath because it felt like breaking into foreign territory, it felt scary, but san being san he climbed that mountain, and wrote that poem.  
He called it chops, because that was his dog's name, and that was what the poem was about. Every line bursted with love for his pet, and he was proud of it, so much that he cried.

The next day at school, he ran up to his best friend wooyoung and showed him the poem, they both cried about it and wooyoung kept yelling about how much he loved sans dog. San smiled, he felt proud, and he showed the poem to his teacher and he got an A and a gold star, and later that day, after he skipped home, all happy and giddy, he showed his mother the poem and she was so proud.  
She smiled her proud-smile and moved all the magnets and posted notes aside on the fridge to show off sans poem.  
The next family birthday she stood up with a beaming smile and read the poem to all of sans aunts and he was happy as well, felt proud of himself.

The boy around the corner, who happened to be his best friend, sent him a letter with x´s and san didnt know what that meant, but kept it in his locker regardless, smoked cigarettes with wooyoung and laughed and hugged and felt _okay:_

Everything was good, the church's father Tracy took them all to the zoo, and san and wooyoung giggled at the birds and fed carrots to a horse. _All was well._  
His parents loved each other, and often kissed, and san didn't know what it meant but he knew he wanted to be intimate like that with Wooyoung, something drew him to the boy, made him unsure an excited.

And sans father said goodnight to him everyday, tucked him in at dusk, and he smiled as he kissed him on the forehead before closing the door.

-

Time flies by and soon san and wooyoung spend time skipping school and smoking cigarettes and weed in the park.  
San tries another poem, this time on a normal lined white paper from his school notebook.

He calls it autumn, because the leaves of the trees had started wilting last week, and tinged the world in their orange light.  
Everyone found solace and beauty in their decay.  
The teacher gave san an A despite telling him he should write more clearly, because it wasn't clear if this poem was about autumn or _dying_ , and really, san didn't know either.  
He showed his mom and she smiled at him, but did not hang the poem on the door, because it had just been painted, a new colour just like the fall leaves.

He was told why his parents kissed so much, and there he knew; he was in love with wooyoung, wanted to kiss him all the time and wooyoung laughed at him when he went to see santa clause at the mall, because _silly little san, you know santa isn't real_  
and san cried at night, scared about everything and he wanted his dad to tuck him in but he didn't, and he always got mad when san cried for him to do it.

-

San is high off coke, can't do anything, can't feel anything, and his thoughts are too much, so he grabs pen and paper and writes another poem, calls it „question marked innocence“,  
because that's what it's about, it's about being unsure of what's right and what's not, about having your innocence being ripped away from you and you still questioning it, seeing it in the hand of your opposite and wondering if it was ever _yours._  
That's how he feels about wooyoung as he rolls another note and breathes in the white powder.

And his professor still gives him an A but regards him with a taunting look and he goes home and doesn't smile.  
And the door paint is dried but his mother still doesn't hang up his poem in the kitchen because san didn't even let her see it.  
His parents stopped kissing so he kisses wooyoung even more, even though the smoke in his hair makes him cough, even though wooyoung is mean to him and uses him like a toy. Even though he feels used and useless when he's with him.

So after all the drugs and pain and fights and anger and desperation and withdrawal and finally building up a life again, san tries another poem.  
It's three am and he tucks himself into bed because there's no one there to do it.  
He gets out a pack of matches and writes his poem, he calls it „absolutely nothing“, because that's what he feels, that's what he _is_  
and he gives himself an A, takes a razor and gives himself a slash on each damn wrist, and he hangs it on the bathroom door because he doesnt think he could reach the kitchen.


End file.
